sexual addictions

What is a Sexual Addiction?

Dr. Patrick Carnes in his book Don't Call It Love, lists 10 characteristics of a person who struggles with a sexual addiction:

 1. A pattern of out of control sexual behavior                  

 2. Negative consequences due to sexual behavior        

 3. Inability to stop despite negative consequences

 4. Persistent pursuit of high-risk behavior      

 5. Ongoing effort to limit sexual behavior      

 6. Ongoing sexual fantasy and obsession

 7. Increasing intensity of sexual behaviors needed for satisfaction

 8. Often severe mood changes around sexual behaviors

 9. Lots of time spent on sexual behaviors

10. Neglect of other responsibilities for the sake of sexual activity

Sexually addictive behavior can look differently for different people.  For one it may be a struggle with pornography, for another paying for sex or having affairs, for a third, chronic masturbation, for another visits to adult bars.  Specific behaviors may change but people, who struggle with compulsive sexual behavior, tend to follow a similar pattern.

The Addictive Pattern

Most sexual addicts will find themselves somewhere in the following repetitive pattern:

Obsession with the addictive behavior à The hunt for opportunity à Gratification of the Desire à Return to Normal à Rationalization of the Behavior (Blame, Justification, etc.) à Shame, Despair, and Repentance (Promises to never again return to the behavior) à Obsession with the addictive behavior à The hunt for opportunity à Gratification of the Desire à Return to Normal à Rationalization of the Behavior (Blame, Justification, etc.) à Shame, Despair, and Repentance (Promises to never again return to the behavior) à and so on.

The pattern is difficult to break despite severe consequences that can or do occur as a result of the sexual behaviors.

Are There Causes for Sexual Addiction?

Causes?  No.  Contributors?  Yes.  Our culture fosters sexual interest and stimulation on TV, in movies, books, and magazines.  Sexual stimulation is hard to avoid.  Sexual addicts may have neurochemical sensitivity to sexual stimulation that makes them responsive to addictive patterns.  Family dynamics that contribute to the addict's feeling shame and low self-esteem, prime the addict to look "for love in all the wrong places."  Sexual addicts tend to mistake excitement for love, intimacy, or affirmation.  Often lonely and emotionally isolating or distant, the addict longs for connection with others, and (erroneously) sees sexuality as a way to get connect to another person.  Individuals who struggle with depression may try to "raise their spirits" with the excitement and arousal of sexual behavior.  Stress can be a trigger.

Is There Help for the Sexual Addict?

Yes, but as the old adage suggests, the sexual addict truly has to want to change.  The pain of acting out and the desire to be free from sexual bondage have to outweigh the pleasure associated with sexual behavior.

Sexual addicts can benefit from 12 Step groups (similar to Alcoholics Anonymous).   In these groups they often find the friendship and support that minimizes their loneliness.  They also use the tools of the program to develop "sexual sobriety." 

Counseling or psychotherapy helps the sexual addict identify and correct those issues that lead to compulsive behavior.  The addict learns to think differently about that which will "make them OK," and learns to identify the lies they tell themselves about sexuality.  The addict may work through longstanding family issues that lead to a lack of self-worth.  He or she learns to identify the triggers to addictive behavior and identifies alternatives to sexual acting out.  The addict learns about healthy forms of relational intimacy.

Finally, the development of a rich personal religious faith can provide a core of acceptance and direction that "centers" the addict.  As the addict experiences the love of God and fellowship with others who share similar values, he or she becomes less dependent on illicit behavior for the meeting of spiritual and emotional needs.

There is help for the sexual addict!